I don't want to

So I can only assume that most of you had the chance to read about my story in Africa. If not, its cool:) I really just needed to put it on paper/web in hopes that by God's Grace I could look back and see where He had begun to do a work.
Like I said before, coming home has been difficult, as I am reassured by some that that is fairly typical. I have had a hard time adjusting to my day to day...mostly because I don't want to.
I don't want to spend over $100 at the grocery store when some are lucky to have $2 for food, I don't want to take the boys out and play all day knowing full well many mothers are cooking and washing all day, I don't want to meet up with friends and just chat about my issues as an american momma when so many are struggling with illness and death, I don't want to complain about my two bedroom one bath home because its a little messy when these people sleep on dirt floors and sweep their porches with a bundle of sticks, I don't want to finish my book club on a book about "my insecurities" WHO CARES, I don't want to ...... I don't want to live life the same way, I don't want to get sucked back into my culture, I don't want to become so self involved again that I just shove everything I experienced in the back of my mind.

"No, you don't have to be a missionary to admire and advance the great purposes of God to be known and praised and enjoyed among all peoples. But if you want to be most fully satisfied with God as he triumphs in the history of redemption, you can't go on with business as usual - doing your work, making your money, giving your tithe, eating, sleeping, playing, and going to church. Instead you need to stop and go away for a few days with a Bible and notepad; and pray and think about how your particular time and place in life fits into the great purpose of God to make the nations glad in him. How will you join the great global purpose of God expressed in Psalm 67:4 ' Let the nations be glad and sing for joy?' - John Piper

That is where I am at...and will most likely be taking a day or two to do that!

I want to live in a world mission mindset, knowing full well that Americans need Jesus and as I am still here John and I are making every effort to be mission minded in our hometown but at the same time reminded that the rest of the World not only needs Jesus but they also need their daily needs met!
I want to be more like Christ "give much, give often, give freely, to the vile and poor, to the thankless and the undeserving"-john piper
As John (my husband) lovingly put it, Im a bit extreme:) I came home ready to change the world. Ready to feed every orphan, clothe the every naked, start a business to employ every father!! My mind has been racing....
John and I have been talking about what it looks like to help those in need while still in America.
So as of right now God has called us to Ojai, to First Baptist Church, to Lark Ellen Ave, to Southern California and in doing so I will wait on Him.
As I have allowed myself to do some of these things listed above I am grateful for the constant reminders that God has given me through each one. Hanging out with a friend at the park just so I can know how to go home and pray for her. Thanking God as I walk through the aisles of my local market, praising Him for the good things He has given us, cleaning my home with more energy and rigger as I pray over the women who work harder then I do, adopting two foreign missionaries knowing full well we are a part of furthering the Gospel in ASIA, finishing my book only to come to a chapter where the author has completely written out so many of my thoughts at this time, being reminded that I am on a journey...in a season where God is equipping John and I for something greater and that as we wait I have the chance to FALL in LOVE with My God. To get on my knees before Him and beg to be used by Him today. That I have a time to read, pray, read, pray, study, search etc...
A time to fall in love with His Word and Follow it blindly, obediently! To wait for His still small voice to call me to the next season and be confident that I will be willing to do whatever He asks!!

But to be honest as awesome and motivating as that sounds I have sunk into a small depression, being flooded and overwhelmed by so many thoughts and images. Telling myself "where do I begin?" "What do I do next?" "How can I help?"
I no longer want to go with my own plans about changing the world, but wait and follow His. I know He has given me this heart and these burdens cause he desires to use me in some way...there have already been about five different visions I have had but I am praying through them to make sure they are from Him.
Be still and know that I AM GOD!!!
sorry if this post is all over the place...but that is kinds where I am at....ALL OVER THE PLACE:) If you think of me...please pray!